only one way up
by MakatoMai
Summary: "People don't change Jadey, they only become more themselves."
1. Prologue

only one way up  
>by: MakatoMai<p>

Authors Note: Its been a while my dears, but in honor of the TWC episode; I was inspired to write- well this. Enjoy the prologue. R&R

* * *

><p>The harsh contrast of red on white causes her to gasp. Her first of many, many mistakes.<p>

Xx

The silence is maddening and if there were a clock present all you would hear was its tedious tick. Cat wishes desperately for there to be sound as she watches a long stream of red blood roll down Jade's pale arm. Jade does not look alarmed, in fact, she looks completely calm. Cat wishes she was completely calm.

Jade merely rises to a stand and slides the razor into her back pocket- and all of a sudden there is sound in Hollywood Arts Bathroom. It's the echo of Jades black combat boots crossing the bathroom floor in their normal flawlessly calm stride.

Than black nails are digging into Cats jaw as Jade forces her brown eyes to meet her blue ones. "This will be our little secret wont it Cat?"

Cat tries to nod in Jades tight grip but can barely manage to do so, instead she forces her vocal chords to choke out a very stammered, very nervous. "Kk"

Jade smirks before gently removing her hand and patting her on the cheek, in an odd sort of gesture of what Cat thinks may be affection. "Good girl." And she's gone leaving Cat alone to stare at the now red covered tiles of the bathroom floor.

Xx

Cat watches Jade a lot to try and understand. She doesn't not really.

But she notices whenever Becks arm ghosts overs her own red ones, she leaves, and whenever his hands touch Tori for even a mili-second, Shes gone. And whenever she comes back, the corners of her sleeves are stained red.

Xx

Jade watches Cat watching her, because she knows its only a matter of time before Cat goes to tattle. She knows there is going to have to be ground rules, and blackmail and compromises.

Its not that Jade's weak, she's not. She doesn't need to slice her arms to pieces. But its easier to stay composed this way. And why struggle for something that use to be so easy to maintain?

"_People don't change Jadey, they only become more themselves." _

Jades mother hadn't left her with much, but she thinks its one of the most honest things she's ever said.

Xx


	2. Chapter 1

A/N: Thank you all for your kind words; and as promised here is a longer first chapter. :) Read and Review loverlys.

* * *

><p>Chapter 1: this is a song<p>

Jade stares at herself in the mirror and wonders if she looks any different to anyone else besides Cat. She knows it's a stupid thing to be asking herself, her eyes aren't sunken in because she sleeps fine, and her hair is black as it ever was. Nothing is noticeably different to anyone else. She just feels like it should be scrawled across her face the way it was the day Beck took her virginity. She feels like it should be stamped on her the way the cuts are scattered across her arm- CUTTER.

Jades never done labels well, even if she did rock the 'goth' girl look like some people would like to say- she never claimed it. It never owned her, was never a part of her, and never meant anything. She just liked the color black. CUTTER. Well, that owns her in a way she guess's Beck never could.

She slides the cool metal blade around a gray silver chain and slides it around her neck. Its ironic, that she can wear her razor as a fashion statement and no one think twice about it. No one but Cat.

The fact is, Jades not composed. But the razor can fix that in one little swish. In one little swish, Jades fully herself again- hot tempered. Not anxious. Not depressed. Not….miserable. Just, mean, mean as ever.

Xx

She finds Cat sitting alone holding a hot chocolate between two hands staring at the ground and decides to jump on the opportunity to have her alone. She swings her book bag hard next to her causing the little red head to jump at the intrusion of her space being taken.

"Hey Jade." Cat mumbles. Jade can tell she doesn't want to see her, which is fine; she particularly doesn't want to sit here and have this conversation with her either. Whats not fine, is someone finding out. Someone like that good two shoes Tori. Or Beck.

"Look. What happened the other night..."

"Why?" Cat says suddenly, a look of hurt and anger crossing her face. "Why would you do that to yourself? I don't understand!" She shakes her head in a cross between upset and disgusted and rises to a stand.

Jades not sure why she does it, maybe fear of the unknown, maybe guilt, but she reaches and gently grabs Cats arms. Cat softens, but doesn't sit back down- anger still clear on her face, tears still etched in the corner of her eyes.

"Because he broke up with you?" her voice is soft, "is that what did this Jade?"

Jade wonders how she can make it sound so simple. That one person saying fuck you can be someone else's unraveling. She makes her sound pathetic, and even if its true- even if that's what started it, she can't bear to hear it right now. So now, there is anger in her eyes and she is no longer sitting but standing toe to toe with Cat Valentine.

"Don't reprimand me. You know nothing." Her voice comes out as a hiss, and Cat has already sunken back into herself just as she hears Tori and Andre approaching. She's never been more relieved to already have her back facing them. No one needs to see the look on her face right now, she's sure of it.

Xx

Its not that Becks particularly watching Jade, and "in touch" seems to intimate, it's just the fact that her step doesn't have as much force to it as he's use too. Her voice isn't as strong, or maybe hes just hoping it isn't. Maybe he's just hoping she misses him at least half as much as he misses her.

He sits on the other side of the room near the front in Sikowitz's class. She sits on the opposite side near the back as if the distance between them could never be far enough. He loops his finger through the silver ring he wears his neck and vows tonight he'll take it off- for sure.

He probably wont.

Cat notices he touches his jewelry when he's not next to anyone in the group. She feels compelled to ask if Jade gave it to him, but she knows its one of those things nobody's going to point out. No one's going to ask about it; just like no one is going to ask about the red marks that hide under Jades long black sleeves.

Cat subconsciously rubs her arms and Jades response is to curl her upper lips into a curt little snarl. Cat wonders if anyone else feels the tension, but Tori and Robbie are up on the stage acting out some scene about a wiener dog and Cat really doesn't think anyone but her notices.

Its after class when Jade pulls her by the hand back into the empty classroom.

"We need to talk."

"Yeah." Cat says meekly even though she doesn't know what to say, let alone do, her hand idly brushing through red strands.

_Scene 1 Take 2; _echoes somewhere in the back of her mind.

"I cant explain why." Jade says, her hands moving as if shes trying to move the words out of her. "It just, it keeps me myself. I…I like who I am you know? So. I just. I have to. You can understand that right? That I have too." Jade looks at her and her eyes are a little more alarmed than normal, her left hand dancing against the razorblade that is pressing into the dip of her throat.

Cat can barely manage a nod, even though shes not sure she understands at all.

"Can I see your arms?" Cat asks and the room gathers this heavy kind of silence that isn't really explainable. Jade nonchalantly touches her right arm, and Cat notes the gesture before Jade kind of shrugs, sits down and says."Yeah, sure." And then she's exposing slashed white skin to cool classroom air.

Jades not sure why, but as Cats big brown eyes fill up with tears, her fingers ever so gently carassesing the raised skin, red with infection and dried blood- she feels oddly naked and has to turn her head elsewhere.

"You need.." Cat says after a minute "to clean these better."

Jades never really cared to much about the after math. She had no intentions of having sex with anyone, no one was going to see her tattered flesh so damage control hadnt been much of a thought. It didn't really matter to her what happened to her skin, or her insides or anything of the like.

"Is that a suggestion or a condition?"

Cat ponders this a minute, her mind wandering elsewhere for a moment before her attention is focused again completely on Jade and what is at stake. "Condition."

"Fair enough." Jade agrees, wondering how many more conditions will be made, considering Cat while an incredibly sweet talented girl- is not the brightest.

Its silent for a moment before Cat continues "So, is their really poison in your blood?"

Jade laughs for a minute until she realizes its really not funny, that Cat is being 100% serious. She really does think shes evil, doesn't she?

She gingerly touches the red heads slender shoulder and shakes her head, "My blood is the same color as yours. There's no difference."

Cat smiles. "That's a relief cause I couldn't touch you if you were all poison-y on the inside."

Jade nods wondering why her careless stupid words were causing her pain, and not the good kind.

"Yeah. So, your lips are sealed right?"

Cat metaphorically zips her lips and throws away the key.

Xx

Its Friday night and Jade doesn't have any plans. She heard that they were all going bowling tonight. She cant hang out with the group because Beck is part of them- its like an unspoken rule, if one of them is there, the other of them isn't. Its not like she wants to go anyway, she takes off her razor necklace and lies it down quietly on the dresser.

She looks at the bottom left hand drawer of her dresser and her heart picks up speed for a second as she kneels down and caresses the handles. Inside this one drawer she had managed to hide the remains of three years, everything of Becks was jammed in there in an unrecognizable mess.

"Don't be stupid." She whispers to herself, but she's already opening the drawer.

Out pops a red and black flannel shirt, tangled jewelry, notes, dead flowers, and over whelming burst of his scent almost knocks her to the floor. She can feel the tears staining her face and its like she cant get enough air into her lungs.

"Jade!" her little brother Matt is screaming from the other side of the door. "Are you gonna come eat?"

"No!" she chokes out trying desperately to get a hold of herself and make her voice fierce. But as little brothers usually do, hes already made his way into her room and by her side. She stares towards him and wants anger to fill her, but the razors to far away and the griefs already overcome her.

"Jade…whats wrong?" he whispers kneeling next to her on the floor; his sister has done many things to and for him throughout the years. But never once, has he seen her cry. What she does next surprises him most of all, she throws herself onto his nine year old lap and lets the sobs consume her. He holds up his hands in defense for a second before he realizes shes not angry, she's not faking him out- she's devastated and he has no idea what to do. He carefully places one hand on the back of her head and recites the words she said to him just last week, a careful pat in place. "There, there."

She cries harder.

It only lasts a few minutes and Jades managed to pull herself together, black tears staining her face. "You tell anyone Ill stab you with my favorite scissors in your sleep." She mumbles drying her eyes with the back of her hand.

He stares at her before drifting his attention to the floor, "So, that means you don't want dinner?"

She smiles, just a bit before ruffling his hair. "Nah. Now get out before I decided to maim you for coming into my room."

Hes up and out the door in less than 10 seconds.

"Hey Matt?"

"Yeah?" he says peeking his head back in the door.

"Thank you." Its mumbled and awkward, but it lights up her little brothers face. She forces the drawer closed and is reassured that her razor was the right choice.

Xx


	3. Chapter 2

Presenting Chapter 2! Hope you guys like it. Feedbacks appreciative; and as always Flames are for Children. -Makatomai3

* * *

><p>Chapter 2:<p>

It's not that Andre is extremely observant or anything, and maybe its all in his head- its not beyond him to go wonky for Jade (again) but he thinks that just maybe- she wants him to be near her.

He'd never speak the words, at least not yet to anyone at the risk of sounding idiotic. But he can't help but notice her subtle gestures of how when they performed she always reached for him, and looked to him. He wonders if he helped her ride out the pain of being so close to Beck.

He tries not to think about it because its not his place and Beck is one of his BEST friends. But still, he finds himself bumping into her locker just to exchange words with her for a minute. He thinks maybe she appreciates it because she presses her lips together and exchanges a cute smile with him on a couple occasions.

He knows it's nothing. He knows hes nothing to Jade West other than expendable. But besides Cat? He's all she has right now- and that's enough to keep him coming back every day with a smug good morning and on an occasional brave morning, her favorite coffee.

.

Jade would never call herself weak, and if you asked her why she accepted Andre's coffee from him every time he brought her one- shed say it was because than he would no longer have one. But the truth would be she really does appreciate the gesture, she really does like having him around. She respects Andre which is more than she can say about anyone else she previously associated with.

And she actually finds herself wanting to be around him, he provides her with a soft security when its just the two of them. It takes away the need to bite the razor into her skin…but he cant make her feel whole and that simply SUCKS.

"Thanks" she says one day, the fifth cup of coffee later, "This….this helps." She clears her throat and takes a sip and hopes he doesn't respond to her kind gesture.

He doesn't, just turns his head away to hide his expression and gives a confirmation nod with a little, "Yeah" tucked at the end for acknowledgement.

Than cat bounces up in a blue and white uniform a stethoscope necklace dangling around her neck, Andre watches as whatever colors left in Jade skin drains away completely as she eyeballs the girl who points to a, you guessed it, white purse with a big red cross on it.

"Time to clean up!" she announces and Jade grabs her by the arm so hard Cat almost topples over as she drags her to the bathroom. Andre stares at the door for a minute and wonder why on earth he's stunned by this strange happening of events. Cat's eccentric behavior was normal, it was Jade…who had acted off.

He shrugs it off without much of a second thought; he has to meet up with Tori in the auditorium to rehearse their new song.

.

It's after the bathroom incident that Cat's nerves have become shaken. The longer Cat goes without telling someone, the worse Jade's cuts get. She asks Jade how often she does it now, but Jade doesn't dignify her with a response. Her arms are littered with white scars, but that's not what concerns Cat, what concerns her is the abundance of red that continues to overlap each other tearing her skin so deep that it looks like a curtain of meat barely hanging on.

She spent half the time pouring peroxide onto her arm and gagging. Jade said that if she wanted it done, shed have to do it herself. The hello kitty bandages do very little to hide the monstrosity of Jades arm and she feels foolish for even thinking she could make it better.

Before they go their separate ways, Cat stops and turns to her awkwardly outside the bathroom door.

"Jade?"

"What?"

"Do you cry?"

For an instant she thinks of the time she lost Beck and went to Tori crying, and she thinks about the pathetic sobbing mess she was when she drove away from Tori's house that night he didn't open the door. She thinks about crying on her little brother's lap, just a short week ago.

"No, not really."

"You should try it. You might…" Cat pauses unsure of how to word what she's going to say next. Jade can tell she doesn't want it to come out wrong. "you might hurt less."

Jade wonders if she's always on the brink of hysteria as she chokes down the urge to laugh.

"I don't think it works like that Cat." She smiles slightly before glancing off down the hall "See you in English."

.

It's kind of uncomfortable sitting with Beck though Tori's trying to act like its completely natural to be alone with him. But it isn't, it's not natural to be near Beck without Jade even almost a month later Tori expects her to be lurking just around the corner with a snide remark.

"You can stop looking for her." Beck says not even lifting his head from his book.

"I wasn't… I didn't.." Tori sighs tucking a stray piece of brown hair behind her ears. "How come you dont feel like she's going to pop up at any second?"

"Wishful thinking." Beck says with a dull smile, before closing his book.

"Wishful?" she questions leaning in over the table.

"Yeah..its just." Beck sighs, trying to say the words he wouldn't dare say allowed to anyone. "Its just, I know we arent good together being with Jade makes no logical sense. Shes aggressive and arrogant and controlling and jealous but…"

_She's everything I ever wanted. I thought maybe one day I would marry her. She's unique and open and honest and doesn't take anybodys shit. She was….She was perfect. _

"But its not easy to walk away from almost four years." Beck finishes, and its barely even touches the truth of how he feels. What he wants.

"Is that why you always wear that necklace?" Tori gestures. "To soon?"

He smiles gently fingering the silver ring. "way to soon."

.

Schools out and Jade throws her book bag at the bottom of the stairwell before making her way up to her bedroom. She thinks that each day has to get easier living without Beck, that seeing him every single day across the room in Sikowitz's class will eventually get bearable.

But the truth is, the razors barely keeping her normal. Her lungs hurt so much she feels like she can't breathe. And the worst part is? He doesn't even want her back- not even a little. Not even at all.

She text Andre and Cat in hopes of something to take her mind off the absence of him, but the conversation is mute and dies quick. She reaches for her drawer, closes her eyes and slices her arm open. By the time Jade opens her eyes the room spins and she feels faint. Her purple sheets are stained red, red, red and she's not sure how much blood she's lost.

Am I going to die? She wonders laying her head against her pillow. What surprises her the most? She doesn't care if she does or not. She stares at the plastic little stars he hung on her ceiling when they first started dating- she must have forgotten to take them down. She must not have been ready too.

Jade breathes slowly and she swears she can hear the sound of her blood leaving her arm. Its not scary, its comforting. There isn't any pain right now, the only thing that's there is lightness. She thinks this maybe how she'll handle things from now on.

"Jade?" The knock on the door along with her name causes her to bolt up and the room to spin.

"Crap" she mutters and the amount of blood is suddenly overwhelming and the smell of iron keeps her anchored to the bed.

"Go AWAY!" Jade says and swears if she lives this- she'll kill her little brother.

"But Jade" Matt says opening the door, (why, why does she forget to lock it since she's stopped dating Beck? Shouldn't old habits die hard) She shoves her arm under her comforter but the smell of blood is bad enough to have Matts face whiter than hers ever was.

"Don't. Please. Matt. Don't." She tries as she watches him take steps backwards- but it doesn't really matter her visions fading now and she's still not afraid.

Beck is the last thing that goes through her mind before she's engulfed in blackness.


End file.
